So Small
by Hoshiguma-douji
Summary: (RemiMei oneshot) Remilia deals with her self-hatred with the help of her gatekeeper.


"I'm never coming out."

My words echoed in the dark room, yet my voice sounded so far away, as though I were drifting into dreamland.

"But you have to, ojou-sama!" Sakuya shouted from behind the door. I could hear desperation in her demure tone; even her yells are quiet and subdued.

"You can't make me." I rested my head on my knees and dried the tears falling from my eyes.

"Move, Sakuya-san." It was Meiling. I heard the two of them quietly bickering, then silence. "Ojou-sama?" Meiling asked.

"Hello, Meiling. Please leave before I kill you."

"You wouldn't dare kill your protector, would you?" Meiling was always adept at speaking strong words, yet her voice cracked. I knew she was afraid, even if she wasn't aware of it.

After a long pause and a shuddering sigh, I responded. "No. Please come in."

She opened the door and ran over to me, holding my body close to her. "Gods, ojou-sama! What have you done!"

"Watch out for the glass," I replied, my voice muffled by her shirt.

"Seriously?" She lifted me bridal-style and eyed the room.

I followed her horrified gaze. The wood floor of my bedroom was littered with broken glass, the essence of a broken wine bottle. Several unbroken but empty bottles of imported pinot noir rested on their sides.

"You'll give yourself alcohol poisoning, ojou-sama!" Meiling squealed. "You've got to stop!"

And the tears wouldn't stop flowing. I felt so small, so childish, so vulnerable...

She held me tighter and sat on the edge of my bed. "Why, ojou-sama? We need you."

"I hate myself," I said, rubbing my eyes. "I can't stand being the monster I am."

Under any other circumstance, I'm convinced that Meiling would laugh. Even now, I saw her lips twitch in a smirk. "You hate yourself."

"Yes."

"But you're so...arrogant! I mean, no offense, but...you seem to think you're pretty fabulous."

"It's an act."

Meiling looked away in thought, her blue eyes troubled. "How long have you...hated yourself?"

"My whole life." I felt as though I were shrinking in her arms. "I take from the living what I cannot reciprocate. I'm a soulless monster."

"You're just in a different state, ojou-sama," Meiling replied. "You have a soul. You're just in between life and death. Right?"

I sniffed. "I guess that's a...way to put it."

"Right." She smiled slightly. "And you're an amazing person. You should never hate yourself just because you need blood to live."

"It's more than that. I need their lives."

"I know."

"Some people don't."

Meiling pulled off my hat and stroked my hair. It had been such a long time since anyone had done that, and it felt relaxing.

I sighed and leaned into her warm hands. "Thank you...Meiling."

"Anytime, ojou-sama." She planted a small kiss on my forehead. "You know that I love you, right?"

"Of course I do. That's why I wanted your comfort. I couldn't stand the thought of Sakuya seeing me like this."

"You do love her."

"Maybe a little. But I've known you a lot longer." I pulled myself up, my head reeling from the amount of wine I had consumed just minutes before. Before she could protest, I captured her lips.

She was a bit hesitant at first, but then it was nothing other than raw passion. She was feeding me, projecting her qi into mine, reducing the effects of the alcohol and increasing my energy. She tasted like an odd combination of curry and green tea. I could feel her pulse beneath my hands, and I shivered.

"How long has it been?" Meiling asked in between kisses.

"Two weeks."

She pulled away immediately. "You're trying to kill yourself!" she exclaimed.

"Yes. I was hoping to. But I was in so much pain..." I eyed the wine bottles. "I didn't want to feel my last moments."

"Maybe you can waste a few with me?"

I quirked an eyebrow at my gatekeeper. "What do you mean?"

"Obviously, we could be physical. I know vampires feed from...that."

"Indeed, we do."

"And you need a feast of qi."

"Yes."

"Maybe some blood, too?"

"That would be lovely."

She tackled me, then, pinning me beneath her. "Tell me what you want, ojou-sama."

"I want all of you," I replied. I felt small then, too, but it was the right sort of vulnerability. After all, I needed a woman like Meiling to not only restore my strength, but also to protect me. And this act would serve both purposes.


End file.
